In a month's time I return to work. For two days a week Saskia will be looked after by others: one of these days she'll be spend with her JanMa, and on the other she is going to a childcare centre.
I work in gallery education and know I'm lucky to have an arrangement where I can return to work part time. My job is intensely rewarding, varied and the best kind of mix of challenging and familiar. But right now, the return to work countdown is making me feel awfully sad.
I know she'll revel in the attentions of her doting grandparents, cooking pikelets and exploring enchanted gardens; I know she'll learn valuable lessons about sharing spaces with other children and waiting a turn; I know I'll embrace our days together with renewed enthusiasm, and will marvel at how grown up she seems.
All this I know will be true, but I still feel a heavy weight of sadness. Our weeks will soon include days together - and days spent apart. I will juggle paid work, and the glorious and not-so-glorious unpaid work. I will feel torn. I will wonder how you are feeling, whether you ate your yogurt, what you were like when you woke, and whether you have called my name. I will miss you Little One.
*These photos were taken on a recent outing to Sculpture Garden Sunday. Such cleverly crafted outdoor art activities for little ones: tape graffiti on garden walls, sculptures crafted from venetian blinds, bright texta drawings on plastic sheets, etc. The highlight though, was most definitely the musical entertainment, Doctor Stovepipe (an old favourite from way back here!). She twirled and bounced and clapped until we dragged her away.
Oh Claire, I understand! My little Leo has one day with his Grandma and a half day in child care and I really struggled at first. But we both quickly adapted and now I think they're his favourite days of the week... Much more exciting than a day with mama at home! And I really benefit from a bit of time out, being able to use my brain differently and I like the fact that I have renewed energy and enthusiasm to hang out with him after being at work. I'm sure after a bit of adjustment time, it will be great for everyone... two days of work seems perfect. Good luck! Joanna xx
ReplyDeleteThis is lovely (and encouraging) to hear. I am so so grateful that Sassy gets to spend one of her days away from me with family. We are lucky to have Grandparents nearby so willing to help, aren't we? x
DeleteDarling Claire, I know exactly how you feel. I'm glad you stopped by just recently and saw the big changes happening in our lives of late and I hope your were reassured that it will all be okay. Emotional and a big adjustment, yes, but it will all be fine! I too, contemplated and doubted over and over, (there will never be a right time to go back, there will never be a 'right' decision) but the time I now spend with Sage is so meaningful and so appreciated. And knowing she is being loved and cared for by other family members is very comforting. It is only natural to be sad, be kind to yourself lovely. I'm only a virtual shoulder away if mumma needs to shed a few tears xxx
ReplyDeleteThank you lovely Anna for your sweet words of comfort. I know deep down Saskia will be happy after the short period of adjustment - it's just such a beautiful stage that we both must say goodbye to though. Gosh, I didn't think I was so reluctant to embrace change! x
DeleteIt is a big change but I've always found it amazing how well my little ones adapt and I guess that learning to adapt is good for them. It's amazing how many different things they learn from being in a different environment. And while it will be hard, there's also something pretty great about picking them up and seeing how excited they are to see you again at the end of the day.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm so looking forward to those end of the day cuddles already! (Gosh, I hope she ends up missing me!) Thanks for your support, Anna - all these messages do make me feel much better x
DeleteOh this is just not easy at all... and since I have no experience in this area I can't impart any great wisdom, except to say... that you even feel the sadness is a sign of what a dearly loving and devoted mama you are. and the period of grief will come, and you musn't deny it but know it is the progression of things and it will pass. I imagine you will treasure your days with Saskia even more (not to mention how special it will be for her grandparents, and for your workplace to have your lovely self about)... I do remember when my la leche league meeting talked on the topic of going back to work, they all spoke of how important night-time bonding became (cuddles, nursing, co-sleeping if you're still doing it) for that intimate reconnecting between mama and babe xx sending lots of love to you xx
ReplyDeletelovely things to say...thank you emily x
Delete(yes, we are still nursing and co-sleeping so we get our fair share of beautiful closeness - so happy for that)
Oh Claire, I feel your sadness. I hope the change is a smooth one for you both and that in time, you both come to adjust to your new days apart, and appreciate the ones spent together all the more. Hugs to you xx
ReplyDeletetoday was her first day of being in care for a long period and a nap (10-3)...and you know what? she was perfectly happy...i, on the other hand, spent a morning nursing a headache from crying in the car park. i'm such a sook!...thank you for your kind words, amanda x
Deleteoh my goodness that looks like one amazing day and huge hugs for the natural sadness of the big change coming. your job sounds wonderful...one happy mummy cocktail xxxx
ReplyDeletethanks jane - i am lucky, my job is pretty wonderful...and that all helps to make the transition less daunting i suppose...really appreciate your lovely words x
DeleteClaire, it is SUCH a big deal, the change to "other" care. It will be hard to adjust, but adjust you will. Soon the change will be woven neatly into the fabric of your lives and you will know no differently. x
ReplyDeleteso true...it still feels so hard to get my head around working and being a mama. what a juggle. we women are pretty amazing at it though....thanks for your wise words - i am so heartened by all the support from bloggers x
DeleteI LOVE sculpture garden Sunday!! It is such a special event, looked forward to each year. Your pictures capture this years beautifully. In regards to starting care... Just remember to give her a big kiss, tell her that you love her and that you can't wait to hear about her adventures when you pick her up. See it as an opportunity for her to expand and explore a new community instead of you palming her off. She will pick up on the vibe that you give over the experience. Show her that you trust she is going to have a MARVELLOUS time :) good luck!!
ReplyDeleteOh wasn't it magic? I wish they'd do a Sculpture Garden Sunday for adults! I could have played there all day......When I took Sassy in today your words were in the back of my mind - such a great way to look at it - thank you. And she did have a marvellous time. She was so cheerful when I picked her up. Little treasure x
Delete(ps. lovely to meet another Canberra blogger!)